The Tetzel Awards Advertising's Most Shameless

The only award given to recognize those advertisers who most shamelessly exploit the highest reaches of the human spirit in order to make a buck.

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Advertising is often a noble endeavor, attempting the difficult task of communicating effectively the true value of a business, product or service to the audience of potential consumers.

However, nowadays - having discovered state-of-the-art, psychologically advanced techniques for rapin - er, reaching the minds and hearts of the masses - advertising has now reached new lows.

The old-fashioned days of simply telling folks about the good features and benefits of a product or service have gone the way of the Pterodactyl and the Izod sweater, likely never to return.

OK, if this is "the best a man can get" . . . - we're in a lot of trouble.

Now, advertisers rarely bother to even tell you about their products. Instead, they aim straight for your very soul: they don't just want to wash your clothes, brush your teeth, or quench your thirst . . . they want to improve your life, help you discover ultimate happiness, save your immortal soul . . . all with their products. Even if it is shaving cream.

Nothing against making a few bucks, selling a few products, or even making a few sales pitches entertaining and funny. But sometimes, folks, let's keep things in perspective.

So here, for the first time in one place,
are the Grand-Slam Hall-of-Famers
of Shameless Promotion.

We hope you enjoy.

"They said if I just drink this cola then I'll get to go out with Britney! Honest!"

CHEVY:
"Grab Life By the Horns."
So, if you want to "grab life by the horns" - and who doesn't - then all you need to do is "Buy our truck." Wow! And I didn't even know that life had a pair of horns, and ones that you can grab, too! Why didn't somebody tell me before? I've wasted so much time thinking that life is difficult, complex, painful, messy, and largely out of my control. But hey - once I buy me that truck and have a firm grip on those horns of life, I'm sure it will all be better . . .

COKE: "Coca Cola Real"
OK, sorry, but could somebody please explain what, exactly, is "real" about a soft drink? Here I was, once again, barking up the wrong enchilada: Forget the struggle to be honest, forget the work it takes to discover and tell the truth, forget the effort it takes to not get snowed by a constant barrage of mendacity - evidently, being "real" means paying money to buy and drink glorified sugar water. Now I know - I need to obey my thirst.

Of course Gandhi wouldn't mind Apple pimping his image so they can peddle a few computers. (note the logo, upper left)

APPLE: "Think different."
It's simple, it's easy, and it's shameless: just find a universally respected figure who is no longer alive and therefore unable to defend themselves . . . and who won't protest a company pimping their image in order to make a few bucks.

All you have to do is find somebody who did something great, and you can hijack all that respect and admiration and redirect it where you it - straight into your wallet.
Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Einstein, Rosa Parks, Sinatra - the Dalai Llama, for god's sake (OK, so maybe you can still be alive, at least) . . .
- and let's not forget Mohammed Ali . . .

ADIDAS: "Impossible is Nothing."
Honestly, don't we get enough self-improvement hype from Tony Robbins and the Army commercials?
Maybe this old rap - the genetically engineered marriage of naked ambition with positive-thinking-gone-rampant - is still inspiring to some folks, but to us, this empty hype is as old and crusty as a pair of Red Skelton's underpants. If "impossible" is really "nothing," why not try making a good commercial without ripping off some ex-celebrity (see above)? - even if it is done by a family member (the openly tasteless computer-generated fight between "The Champ" and his daughter, who is now a boxer herself. (Note: here Adidas takes a double-dip: associating themselves with Mohammed Ali, and promoting their new poster, clad head-to-toe-to-boxing-glove in Adidas wardrobe.)
Come on, Adidas. Either turn all that hype towards some real problems that actually do seem impossible (anybody for homelessness? drugs? war? creating a web site about important issues that isn't financially bankrupt?) - or just say it straight: "we make good shoes."

VOLKSWAGON: "You are what you drive."
Ooooohhh, so that's who I am? I am what I drive? Gasp, Gosh, Golly - and I've wasting so much time in introspection and deep thought and meditation and other useless stuff like that. Wow, thaaaanks for finally settling that one! Nothing quite like having perennial questions of existence answered by car commercials.

Translation: give your money to Apple (note the logo, upper right) and you can be as cool as the first guy on the moon.

SPRITE: "Obey Your Thirst."
Oooohh, so that's what I need to obey! And here I've wasted so much time trying to become disciplined, trying to control my appetites, trying to think for myself, trying to follow various ethical ideals . . . and all the while I should have been obeying my thirst. But wait . . . if a Sprite commercial commands me to obey my thirst - and then I actually do obey my thirst - then does that make me a slave to my thirst, or a slave to Sprite? (I especially like how this otherwise demeaning message is delivered with a glitzy, MTV-like, screw-it-all, fun-n-flashy tone, so I can feel like I'm rebelling when I'm actually conforming like the sheep they want me to be. Baa-aaa.)

GILLETTE: "The best a man can get."
This one speaks for itself. "You know the feeling . . . You’re unbeatable, unstoppable You’ve got that walking on water feeling. It’s the feeling you get every day With the world’s best shave, Mach 3 Turbo. It’s like an angel by your side Every curve is smooth, Every word is cool. I never want to lose that feelin': Gillette.

Gillette: The best a man can get."

(-and yes, these are the actual words from the commercial. No joke.)

Unbeatable and unstoppable? Having an "angel by your side"? And even . . . a shameless rip from Jesus?

. . . all from a shaving razor that trims facial hair?

Hats off to Gillette, our grand winner of the world-famous Tetzel Awards.

So long, suckers!

Your friends at LiveReal.com

* "The Tetzel Awards" are named after Johann Tetzel, the infamous Dominican monk of the 16th century who sold "indulgences," promising individuals that they could literally buy salvation - for themselves, for friends and relatives, living and deceased, as well as for any sins they were going to commit in the future. He was one of the key figures who inspired Martin Luther to launch the Protestant reformation.

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