"SELF-ESTEEM"

"When people do not respect us
we are sharply offended;
yet deep down in his heart
no man much respects himself."
- Mark Twain

Talk about it:
info@livereal.com

(As seen in "The War Against Psychobabble")

The crown-jewel of psychological health in popular culture: "self-esteem."

"Self-esteem," the Holy Grail of the modern self-help movement, often follows a thread of discussion something like this:
"Why am I unhappy?"
"Because you don't have enough self-esteem."
"How, then, do I become happy?"
"Get more self-esteem!"

- and from there on, the self-esteem-building exercises, practices, and lifestyles multiply and flourish, and "building" this invisible thing called "self-esteem" becomes a primary objective of one's life.

Your truth-seeking Editors at LiveReal, of course, have absolutely nothing against honest, solid, real confidence. That's the whole point. Further still, if "self-esteem" is loosely equate with happiness, competence, health, confidence, fame, virtue, wealth, character, and any "good" - who would be against it?

So it seemed worthwhile to investigate the matter a little more deeply . . .

For the most part, people talk about self-esteem - some people have it, some people don't. People who "have it" are generally better off than people who don't. So, if you have it, keep it (and maybe get more of it), and if you don't have it, get it.

But how?

For the most part, the universal solution is various types of "self-talk" ("I am a wonderful person," etc) - essentially, stop or avoid saying bad things to or about yourself ("I am a jerk"), and instead, deliberately say and affirm good and positive things to yourself ("I am really swell").

In the opinion of this particular illustrious LiveReal Editor, this strategy is simple, easy to follow, universally applicable . . . and essentially, doesn't work. People with high self-esteem rarely practice, or even feel the need to practice, any form of deliberate self-talk.

This point is elaborated on in The War Against Psychobabble . . . but the self-talk solution, while sometimes mildly helpful, is an after-the-fact, band-aid solution. Positive self-talk might help to counter negative self-talk . . . but what makes "negative self-talk" arise in the first place?

The basic premise that all you need to do to have self-esteem is talk to yourself more nicely is typical of what we see in coming out of the psychology and self-help industry - simplistic, bubble-gum sweet-sounding, incredibly shallow, and ineffective.

It seems to us, the optimal solution is to prevent "negative self-talk" from ever coming up in the first place.

So then, what does work?

Here's where we have to dig a little deeper . . .

Real Causes of "Low Self-Esteem"

So then, what causes things like "negative self-talk," or the need for "positive self-talk" to even come about in the first place? It seems to us that "self-esteem" is not some isolated trait; rather, it is a by-product of many other factors. For example, to name a few:

Simply being in a stressful situation that is over one's head to handle.

Emotional residue from the past / childhood experiences / born disposition (see "character")

Lifestyle. There are some actions that cause inner conflict within a person, that cause a person to become more divided against themselves. What is needed is a real understanding of how to live, or "morality"

Various insecurities and perceived inadequacies (as aspects of one's "character")

Bad relationships and sexual life (this gets into the area of "intimacy."
Imagine a person taking their deepest, darkest, most hidden secret - something they almost would want no one in the world to know about - where they are at your most vulnerable, sensitive, where they are completely fragile and open . . . share it with another person whom they trust . . . and then . . . that person laughs at them, makes fun of them, ridicules them. Ouch.
This happens regularly, and is a definite factor - perhaps the major factor - of "bad self-esteem."

Simply feeling fear, anxiety (including social anxiety), depression, indecisiveness, worried, or other things in certain situations, which causes a person to not trust or have faith in themselves.

Real Roads to Confidence

Postive relationships (OK, easier said than done)

Staying away from negative relationships , or protecting your mind while in them

Sexual morality (see above. This isn't prudish, it's practical. When are you more vulnerable? Never.)

Really knowing, or finding out, why you're here

Having a real Mentor / Role Model (perhaps even someone who seems to really know the score)

Having a real purpose, meaning, or ideal to believe in (or example, the search for reality, sanity, or love)

Learn how to be still and figure out who you are

"The treatment for low self-esteem
is not about trying to feel worth, nor of ego-boosting exercises.
Quite the opposite.
Treatment lies in letting oneself feel . . .
(Editor's note: "letting oneself feel" through real therapy, meditating, or just being still)
- letting oneself feel the devastating feeling of not being wanted or desired . . .
This can only happen when one stops
struggling against needing constant reassurance, and feels to its depths
the lack of love."
- Arthur Janov

Appendix:
Having self-esteem is a description of having "confidence."
In the Spanish language, "con" means "with," and "deo" means "God."
"Confidence," then, is something pretty close to meaning "with God."
So if you want to have a lot of confidence or "with-God-ness,"
perhaps that means finding God for real . . .

"To get at the core of God at his greatest,
one must first get into the core of himself at his least,
for no on can know God who has not first known himself.
Go to the depths of the soul,
the secret place of the Most High,
to the roots, to the heights: for all the God can do is focused there."
- Meister Eckhart

What do you think?

Talk about it.
info@livereal.com

What's the Problem