Talk about it:
the Person You Want to Find
Cheri comes from the Zen
tradition (if Zen can be said to be a "tradition") and
is also mentioned here,
in the Spiritual Giants User's Guide.
Her book Be the Person You Want to Find
is the only one she has written that focuses primary on relationships,
with all her works focusing on spiritual and/or psychological issues
such as depression and self-acceptance.
Be the Person You Want to Find is a good
book, very sound and solid. She combines a great deal of potentially
complex and confusing thinking together in a way that is very direct
In her own words, "In this book, we aren't going
to give you tools, techniques, and formulas for trying to avoid
or fix difficult situations in relationship. Our interests are awareness
and self-knowledge, freedom and mastery."
Her premise is one shared by many others (including
Roy Masters, John
Gray, Harville Hendrix and
others) is that a very important factor in relationships is the
influence of one's past, or childhood conditioning.
While she speaks about overcoming the conditioning
and programming of childhood that interferes with relationships,
she does not get overburdened in psychological jargon and "healing"
work as seen in, for example, the otherwise very good work of Hendrix.
And like Roy Masters,
and Barry Long, she recommends meditation
and stillness as a way to free oneself of or "burn away"
On the very minor negative side, the cartoons and
crayon-like format of the book along with it's pencil drawings may
be irritating to some, soothing to others. This is a minor point
except that the principles outlined are somewhat common-sense and
deceptively simple . . . almost too simple, in fact, such that they
make perfect sense while one is reading them, but in a way, are
easily forgotten as soon as one puts the book down and gets absorbed
once again in "conditioning." The truly hard work is in
applying the principles and carrying them over into real life.
In addition, because she is apparently not claiming
or trying to write a comprehensive overview of relationships, she
makes no mention of certain other practical matters, such as key
male-female differences (as mentioned by Gray,
Hendrix, and others).
Thus, if Huber's message is used as one's primary
or sole approach, the a wife may, for example, practice "centering"
or "mindfulness" to deal with her irritation at her husband
loving football games so much, rather than truly understanding what
is behind it (as Deida might say,
her lack of trust in his purpose, direction, or "presence.").
Further, the basic premise behind much of her material
is written toward the end of the book on page 186: "I can take
care of myself, meet my own needs, make myself feel better, be who
I want to find." Translation: "I am an independent, self-contained,
not-dependent island that is not affected or made unhappy in any
way by whatever anybody else does."
This isn't exactly the most heartwarming, toe-curling
description of "love",
and is rather a very accurate description of "Stage Two"
relationships in the work of David Deida.
Once a person has developed this, is living with this mindset for
some time and has started wondering "is this it?", they
might want to look into the "Stage Three" work of David
Be the Person You Want To Find is a very
good introduction to the basic principles of deep relationship dynamics,
and even better if they are successfully taken to heart and practiced.
Talk about it: