| "Codependency"
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Made popular by such writers as Melodie
Beatty, Pia Mellody, and
others, "codependency" is defined as an unhealthy
tendency to put others needs before your own, usually involving
a person who is addicted to something such as alcohol, drugs,
or sex.
The potential benefits of studying the codependency movement
can be found in the authors' articles in the links above.
A more thorough analysis of the potential drawbacks of the
codependency movement is outlined here.
One of the most common complaints about the codependency
movement is the danger it risks of one person avoiding responsibility
for their own behavior, declaring themselves an innocent "victim" of someone else. Rarely, nowadays, is this actually the case,
and the question must always be asked: if one's spouse is
abusive or an alcoholic or addict of some kind . . . who
picked them?
In this sense, taking responsibility for one's own actions
and situation ("I picked this person out, I am responsible
in part for co-creating this situation, and so therefore,
I can also choose to fix or leave this situation") -
is as "empowering" as a decision can be.
A Skeptical persepective on codependency is also available
here.
How
the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages by Willard
Harley is also available here.
In regards to overcoming childhood experiences and conditioning
- a key aspect of the LiveReal Psychology Arena - see Roy
Masters.
Further, a crucial, fundamental aspect of codependency -
that it is a recent phenomenon that is an offspring of the
feminist movement of the 70's - is rarely mentioned. In one
sense, what was considered "normal" behavior only
years before was simply reinterpreted, given a "disease"
status, and treated as a problem in need of a cure and healing.
(Was Mother Theresa "codependent"?)
Wendy Kaminer describes the darker side of the situation:
"Experts create the demand for their products - books
and workshops - by convincing people that they're weak, not
pointing out the ways in which they're strong. Inventing a
ubiquitous disease - codependency - creates a huge market
for the cure."
-
I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional
The movement is also criticized by psychologist Carol Tavris:
" . . . the codependency movement . . . does not recognize
or confront the social and economic realities in people's
lives. It does not distinguish the dependencies that are healthy
and desirable (loving and needing others) from those that
are economically imposed (such as not having the financial
resources to leave a violent marriage).
It speaks of self-esteem
as if it were air in a balloon, something that can be inflated
and deflated with sheer willpower, unrelated to anything that
people do, to their experiences in the world, to the context
of their lives.
Yet another perspective, which could be described as going
truly "beyond codependency," is described by David
Deida:
"Another useful way of looking at the 3 stages is in
terms of personal boundaries.
In the first stage you have people with weak
boundaries and there is a lot of uninvited boundary penetration
that is sourced in fear, and the desire for personal power,
gratification, and control. We call these relationships "dependence"
relationships or "co-dependence" because each person gives
up who they really are for the sake of security.
The second stage is all about strong personal
boundaries and boundary penetration is the ultimate taboo.
We call relationships between second stagers "independence"
(and our culture currently calls that "health") because there
is no penetration of boundaries allowed.
The third stage is about the dissolution
of personal boundaries into the prior love ( = unity, no separation,
no boundaries) that IS all of us. Boundary penetration in
the third stage is an act of love, motivated by the desire
for loving, non-separate communion. We call third stage relationships "interdependence" because the whole basis of the relationship
is the practice of relaxing personal boundaries and experiencing
the conscious unity of apparent self with apparent beloved."
Talk about it:
info@livereal.com
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