Deborah Tannen

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You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
That's Not What I Meant: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

Tannen, whose books spent four years on the New York Times bestseller list (eight months at number one), is a University Professor and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, and has also been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University.

Basic Message

Why do women and men sometimes walk away from the same conversation with completely different impressions of what was said? Because men and women communicate differently, and Tannen's message helps us figure out just what exactly that other strange species is really saying

Audience for this Message: the person who will benefit from this material is the reader who wants to understand generally how people can communicate better.

This is not a book on fixing your relationship; nor is it really a book about understanding the opposite sex, although it can potentially help with both of these areas.

There are obvious reasons why Tannen's work has been so popular. There is a great deal of tension and misunderstanding between men and women nowadays, and Tannen addresses this, and in part, offers a solution - learning how the opposite sex communicates, thus easing some of that misunderstanding and tension. If women learn how men communicate differently, and vice versa, then hopefully both sides avoid misunderstandings and miscommunications in marriage, work, and everywhere else.

Tannen argues that friction between men and women often develops because girls and boys are raised and live in two very different cultures. For example, generally speaking, "female culture" encourages talk-for-rapport style as a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships, discussing similarities and matching experiences, verses "talk for report style, more of a "just the facts" approach, happens with males. This basic message is similar to work done by John Gray and David Deida.

Constructive Criticisms

The title "You Just Don't Understand" subtly and indirectly implies that, when you read this book, then men and women will finally understand each other. Although it's a tempting offer, this is not the case, and does not overtly claim to be. To emphasize, this is not and does not claim to be a book to help people have successful relationships. Although it can definitely help to generally understand how the opposite sex communicates and she does illuminate a few points about male-female communication differences, in regards to male-female relationships this is still a very small piece of a very big puzzle.

Much other criticism of Tannen's work comes from claiming that she has a feminist-learning perspective - for example, that she is trying to get men to learn how to speak like women, such as getting men to read the nuances of the supposed feminine speech code (and that she also routinely compares men to pack animals like dogs).

But some of Tannen's theoretical premises are debatable as well - for example, stating that men are generally "hierarchical" while women are natural "egalitarians." While they are sometimes not as openly competitive (or they compete in more subtle ways), the notion that women are non-hierarchical is absurd, and all the evidence for this can be found at the local high school.

What she also leaves out of the picture are the psychological, emotional aspects of what is implied in her title. People often "just don't understand" others because they often actually don't say what they mean, or tell the truth about their real experience. For example, in a relationship, feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, and shameful thoughts go unspoken and suppressed, and then blow out later over more safe subjects. (For example, a wife may pick a fight about "where should we eat dinner?" when the argument is really about her being angry that her husband is so aloof and distant.) The "misunderstandings" of these types are better addressed by such others as Harville Hendrix or John Welwood.

Another aspect of Tannen's message that has been criticized is her apparent pessimism - her focus is in pointing out the problem and bringing styles of misunderstanding to light, not on providing solutions for such misunderstandings, outside of reading her book, and even gives the impression that hopes for bridging the different gaps in style may well be futile. (For example, individuals who use an indirect style will be offended by a direct discussion of communication styles, because they'll try to figure out "what you're REALLY trying to say.")

Again, this re-emphasizes the point that she focuses primarily on speech and communication patterns, not relationships. When readers venture into this territory, when they are reading in hope of addressing some specific misunderstandings they have with others, they are better to check out some other authors.

Tannen's work can be helpful and informative. If they are wanting a few extra tools in helping them understand the opposite gender, those who understand her message and learn to communicate better can find that they have made some positive differences in our marriages, their coworkers, or their relationships to others in general.

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