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Harriet Lerner
Talk about it: The
Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change
in Key Relationships
Summary: Written primarily for an audience of women, Lerner's materials are good for sharpening targeted, individual skills (such as improving communication), but does not delve very deeply into, for example, "intimacy." Good for general, casual interest, but not for saving relationships.
Harriet Lerner is formerly a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas and faculty member of the Karl Menninger School of Psychiatry, and currently has a private practice in Topeka. Evidently, they must be doing a lot of dancing in Topeka. The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Anger, and The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted . . . Confused, Itchy, Trapped Under A Wheelbarrow With A Dog Named Butch (sorry, we kind of lost it a little on that one) - Betrayed, or Desperate - have all become bestsellers. Lerner's books can serve as good meat-and-potatoes kind of introduction for individuals who are just beginning to probe into the underlying dynamics of relationships. For the person reading their first or second book on relationships, it can probably seem like some pretty deep stuff. For those who have already been around the block a few times . . . well, it's nothing too new. With solid and steady style, Lerner, drawing from a perspective of family-systems therapy, seems less intent on launching groundbreaking revelations or sweeping, spicy cure-alls than matter-of-factly telling stories of real-life scenarios and pointing out potential lessons from each one. A majority of Lerner's material focuses on issues that many view as ultimate root causes of relationship problems: communication skills and misunderstandings. (What many people believe on this issue, in our opinion, is . . . well, wrong. Communication problems and misunderstandings, while good fodder for sitcoms and occasional C-list self-help books, they are not the "major" problems that most seem to believe them to be, but are instead the symptoms of even deeper underlying issues). Lerner occasionally does venture away from the storytelling and into the realm of the old favorite standbys of the "how-to" books: the "practical steps toward finding happiness" - in this case, strengthening good relationships and fixing bad ones. She examines "problem areas" "where where intimacy is most challenged" - distance, intensity, or pain - and highlights the "specific changes" folks can make to achieve "a more solid sense of self" (as if anybody has that) and "a more intimate connectedness with others."She also emphasizes the importance of women defining themselves - meaning, most often, what they'll put up with and what they won't - especially in difficult situations (e.g., when a wife suspects her husband is having an affair, or when friends jeopardize their relationship by becoming roommates). Other practical advice includes tips on trying to explain yourself in an emotional state (a handy, throwable iron pot with a firm grip often works nicely), sharing vulnerability (e.g. "I suck!"); voicing concerns, complaints or requests (e.g. "You are insane! Please stop breathing, now!"); apologizing; listening and setting limits on how much one is willing to listen to others' complaints and negativity. All good, solid stuff. (note: these examples are ours, not hers). One other area of emphasis is the balance between the "I" and the "we" in their lives and neither too self-absorbed nor too other-oriented (note: this, as well as a great deal of other of Lerner's material, is where, David Deida might say that Lerner is recommending for women to go from a "first-stage relationship" to a "second-stage relationship." A good step to take, but not the final one.) And where are some areas where certain readers may be disappointed? First of all, this is not a "how to fix your relationship" book, however much the publishers might want you to think it is so you'll buy it and make them money. The Dance of Intimacy, does not once-and-for-all solve the ultimate mystery of intimacy - but rather, is essentially a series of case studies, with little immediately practical advice. If a more direct, practical, and step-by-step approach is what you are looking for, we recommend the work of Michele Weiner-Davis. Another pervasive issue is Lerner's consistent slant towards a feminist bias (i.e., "men are the root of all evil.") At one point, she writes that "Our mothers have . . . lived with impossible and crippling expectations about their role." The majority of case studies focus on mean men mistreating innocent women (do any case studies she includes portray men not being the bad guys?) - which can be sometimes be distracting and unhelpful . . . especially if you're a guy who's with a girl who is reading these books. Finally, many readers delve into a book like this hoping - as the titles often imply, in hopes of making a buck - that they will thoroughly explore and reveal a wealth of insights on the hidden dynamics of intimate relationships: what makes them work, what causes problems, and what the solutions are. Yeah, right. While there are some nuggets of valuable data, some helpful general information for the casual reader, and more than a few interesting stories in these books . . . most will not find did not find what they were looking for here. (for that, they need to visit this stellar web site . . .)
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