John Gray

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John Gray wrote a book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus which, amid a flood of similar relationship self-help books, because a national bestseller and took Gray to fame and fortune and guest-spots on Oprah.

After living as a "monk" for nine years with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi of Transcendental Meditation fame (receiving both his B.A. and his M.A. in "Creative Intelligence" from Maharishi European Research University. - how could you need any more credentials do you need than that?) - he came back to America, and received his Ph.D. in Psychology and Human Sexuality from Columbia Pacific University. He wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus along with several dozen variations (Mars and Venus In the Bedroom, Mars and Venus In the Bathroom, etc etc) . . . and the rest is media history.

Many view the entire Gray phenomenon as a sign of the times: because there is essentially no such thing as "common" sense, community values, or a solid foundation of assumed knowledge that everyone can agree on nowadays - some call this the "abolition of context" or other, more fancy names - Gray and those like him are now able to take incredibly simple concepts - for example, that men and women are actually different (shocker!) - and transform them into multimedia empires.

While his materials have been praised by Harville Hendrix and others, another Panel of Experts gave Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus a "Not Recommended" rating; they gave Mars and Venus Starting Over a "Not Recommended" rating; and they gave Mars and Venus in the Bedroom a "Strongly Not Recommended" rating.

Yet, undoubtedly, these "experts" are making much, much less money than Mr. Gray.

What gives?

Well, Gray obviously struck a nerve. The basics of his approach:

Mars and Venus is "a unique, practical, and proven way for men and women to communicate and relate better by acknowledging the differences between them."

"Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came to earth and amnesia set in: they forgot they were from different planets."

Using this metaphor to illustrate the typical conflicts routinely surfacing between men and women, Dr. John explains how these differences can create distance and tension between the sexes and prohibit fulfilling and loving relationships. This is (supposed to be) helpful in counteracting differences in communications style, emotional needs, and modes of behavior to promote a greater understanding between individual partners.

For example, Gray shows how men and women act differently in conversations including such factors as "male intimacy cycles" (get close, back off, get close, back off . . .) and female self-esteem fluctuations (I'm OK, I'm not OK, I'm OK, I'm not OK . . .). The goal is for the reader to have an easier time accepting the others' particular way of expressing love, thus helping men and women "learn how to fulfill each other's emotional needs."

With practical suggestions on how to reduce conflict, how to interpret a partner's behavior, and methods for preventing emotional "trash from the past" from invading new relationships, "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a valuable tool for couples who want to develop deeper and more satisfying relationships with their partners."

OK.

Of course, it's almost as difficult to find a relationships-self-help author who hasn't been divorced as it is to find a marital therapist who hasn't been divorced. And when two of these actually get together - watch out.

So, the fact that Gray was married to and divorced from another popular self-help author, Barbara DeAngelis, should probably neither be made too big a deal of . . . or ignored.

Although of course, no respecting self-help author with an intact P.R. department would go through a divorce (a potentially harmful event on a "relationship expert's" resume) and not find a way to "spin" it into a positive. Dr. John's is this: "John not only understands first-hand the principles of successful marriage, he has also experienced the problems that result in divorce, having been previously married and divorced." (As they say in the business: "Niiiiice P.R.!!")

John is currently married to Bonnie Gray and has three children: Laren, Julie, and Shannon.

Much of the work of constructively criticizing Dr. John's actual message has already been done for us:

To visit a site dedicated to commentary on Gray's work, click here.
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/

A Salon.com critique of John Gray's Broadway show here.

Yet to go just a step further . . . the interesting thing about John Gray is how popular his books have been with the public and how unpopular his books have been with professional academics.

As noted above, a group of psychologists actually gave his materials a kind of "warning sign" to "not read."

We figure this must either mean one of the following:

1. the academics are right; John Gray is wrong, and the public who bought so many of his books are dumb
2. the academics are wrong; John Gray is right, and the public had good reason to buy his books and is more in touch than the academics
3. both the academics, John Gray, and the public in their own separate ways, all had good reason for doing what they've all done and saying what they've all said
4. there's just something more complicated going on here than we know about.

Overall, as hard as we can be on Dr. John, he definitely deserves some credit for being able to clearly communicate some of the basic principles "The Opposite Sex 101" that evidently need to be heard by a significant audience.

And perhaps this is hard evidence for how confusing things in this area have have become.

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