Tom Leykis

www.blowmeuptom.com

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This radio talk-show host, one of the most popular and controversial of our relationship thinkers, has a very specific message for a very specific audience: in his own words, his message is geared to teach "men how to get more tail for less money - and, more importantly, to teach women how men think."

There is no secret to Mr. Leykis's popularity - anyone who coaches men on how to have more sex with women has an eager audience built-in.

Many are appalled by Leykis's blunt message and his highly confrontational style. They consider him to be rude, abrasive, overly aggressive, and a kind of Pied-Piper of directionless and sometimes emasculated men whom Leykis teaches to "get their balls back."

But many of his listeners are also die-hard fans. Tom has a loyal and significant following, which includes a number of listeners who contact the show to effusively and even affectionately thank him for having helped them with various situations.

Audience
Tom's message is best geared to:

• any naive young men or women who want to wise up about relationships while they're still young
• men who are wanting to learn how to date and deal with women
• women who want to learn what men are really like

Positives

Leykis has been described as a kind of leader of the modern post-feminist "men's movement," teaching men "how to be men," how to stand up for themselves and not let women walk all over them - a rarely heard but sorely needed message today. He is at his best when he is thoroughly disabusing young men and women of their lofty but naive view of love and relationships.

Leykis is definitely no sucker and no fool, there is an element of common sense and streetsmarts that is sorely lacking in many other lofty-minded thinkers and authors in the areas of relationships. After listening to the show for some time, it is nearly impossible not to lose one's "walk-off-into-the-sunset-in-love" view that so many young people have.

In our opinion, the best features of Tom's message are:

1. he is one of the very few who looks the gritty realities of modern relationships and the modern dating scene squarely in the eye, and is in touch with what is really going on in the world, and
2. because of his radio talk-show format, he has direct access to communicate with hundreds of thousands of people of all types. This access provides a wealth of more empirical "data" about relationships than probably any university psychologist today. Having spoken with tens of thousands of individuals over the years and having heard their stories, debated and argued with them, and coached them through many hairy situations himself - Leykis resembles the somewhat jaded old-timer who has "seen and heard it all" but whose statements are based on a great deal of solid, hard-won evidence.

While his sledgehammer approach is not known for being the most tactful, he is often thoroughly genuine, honest, and definitely not a phony. People trust him because he makes no pretenses and is completely up-front with who he is, good and bad, and invites anyone who disagrees with him to speak person-to-person, man-to-man.

He has many other positives in his message: he encourages everyone to take marriage vows seriously, to not get married or even tied down when they are too young, to think twice before living together, to wear condoms, and for children - especially sons - having fathers.

Debatable Points

One must continually keep in mind that his advice is geared to accomplish a very specific objective and audience - men who want to learn how to date and deal with women, and women who want to learn what men are really like.

Leykis does not claim to be a marriage counselor, and his advice, as he repeatedly states, is not best suited for those in serious relationships. As he is the first to point out, he has been married and divorced four times himself. So when a man finds a woman that he actually wants to have a long-term relationship with (which shouldn't be until they're at least 25, in Lykis's view) - then the 101 rules go out the window. Here the man may have to a great deal of work in breaking many old habits and forming new ones. Though Leykis's advice generally stops here where others such as John Gottman, Harville Hendrix, and John Welwood, who specialize in more serious, long-term relationship advice, pick up.

Another issue lies in what Leykis's probably answer to "What Is Sex??" Leykis has repeatedly defined sex in perhaps the most unromantic way that we have heard to date: sex, he says, is a biological, physical function, essentially the same thing as going to the bathroom. The logical extension of this definition is that two people having sex together are essentially using each other to alleviate their bodily functions.

This definition is so refreshing, not only because there is a grain of truth to it, but because it so effectively communicates to many starry-eyed young girls exactly what Leykis is trying to communicate to them: how (some) men (at some level) think.

Of course, what Leykis fails to take into account with this extreme definition of sex is:

1. is that all it is? Or can it become something else - for example, is there a way to make it more than the purely carnal nature of it? (See, for example, Barry Long)
2. If this is all it is, then why are so many people, especially young women, so horrified at the thought of it? The thought that sex is anything other than "making love" is so taboo it's unthinkable. Why? and finally
3. If sex is the same thing as going to the bathroom, and if Tom and so many of his followers are spending their lives doing nothing else but trying to have sex, as so many of them testify to . . . doesn't that mean that they are all spending their lives, thousands of dollars, and several decades of doing a radio show . . . pursuing nothing else but a basic experience of using the toilet? The pieces don't exactly add up.

Yet another major but debatable aspect of his message has to do with encouraging young people to have as much sex with as many different people as possible. On this point, there is mass confusion and disagreement among all the various experts in different fields today. Aside from those few individuals who are members of a strong social context (such as a strong family or spiritual community) this topic is one of the most widely debated yet least talked about and misunderstood subjects in modern American life. Whether a person looks to psychologists, sex counselors, religious leaders, or spiritual teachers, they are practically guaranteed to get very different answers for very different reasons based on very different worldviews.

To broadly classify the argument and the confusion surrounding it into two major camps, one side (such as Leykis and many others in the psychology/sexual therapist field) argues for gathering as much sexual experience as possible while young and single, which is supposed to lead a person to becoming wise before entering any long-term commitments.

The other side (argued by more spiritual and religious leaders) argue that sex is a more serious matter than is generally acknowledged in popular culture, and that promiscuity has long-reaching effects and consequences which directly influence a person's character as well as their ability to form a long-term relationship in the future. This debate, on a national level, will not be settled any time soon, and now more than ever, every person is "on their own."

This position is linked with his other even more controversial positions on abortion (he's for it) and religion (he describes himself as an atheist). Yet again, he encourages those who disagree with him to call and speak with him directly.

In Conclusion

Leykis is definitely a strong voice in the field, and even if one does not agree with all of his positions on every topic, listening to his show can be an eye-opening experience in revealing what is really happening with relationships in modern times.

And the secret may well be that, as some listeners state, Tom could resemble a type of radio Darth Vader, or Shrek, in that underneath all the bluff and bluster, he may actually be a good guy.

Love him or hate him, the message is one worth checking out.

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