How To Avoid "The Typical Cycle"
Of Intimate Relationships
Your trusty LiveReal Agents, some time ago, became extremely interested in understanding successful relationships.
We came to find that this would mean understanding what makes relationships go wrong...what makes them work...what is the purpose of relationships...what are the underlying forces that drive them...
In other words, we soon found ourselves in way, way over our heads.
But, being the valiant, heroic, incredibly good-looking (ahem, ok...make that "well-meaning") kind of folks we are - or at least that we'd like to be - we persevered, on and on, against all odds.
So, what have we found so far?
Well, unfortunately, there is nothing we can package and sell as a pill. And no magic six, eight, or seventeen steps to follow that promise to solve all relationship problems from here to eternity. So, your dutiful LiveReal Editors are in no danger of becoming rich anytime soon.
However, we definitely did come across some pretty
interesting nuggets . . .
How do you avoid "The Typical Cycle?"
Make a study of Relationships.
Learn about it. Prepare.
Seriously. Would you start out on a journey - probably the most important journey of your life - with no map, no compass, and no clear destination, armed only with a vague hope that things will go well?
This is exactly how many people approach marriage.
There is no substitute for old-fashioned clarity, common sense, and taking a few minutes to honestly think things through. Having affairs causes problems. Dating people who are married causes problems. Threesomes cause problems. Thinking you're going to fix someone/that they're going to change after...no. Stop. Get clarity. Take some time to cool the jets & let some sun shine in to the situation. Despite what nearly everyone says these days, relationships aren't entirely about merely "following your heart." It can, and should, involve your head too. It should involve all of you. It can make all the difference. It's a matter of taking things seriously being a little intelligent, if that's not too much to ask . . .
The Hidden-Yet-All-Important Connection
In the bulk of relationship thought, study, and literature, a great deal of energy has been spent on examining communication problems, relating styles, etc, etc. Very rarely is there any mention of a single word that captures a huge amount of it: "morality."
Is the person you're getting involved with a "good" person? Will they do the dishes? Will they help when you need it? Do they treat other people well? Are they honest, at least with you? None of these are "relationship" issues; they're all character or "moral" issues.
There is a direct connection between relationships and morality. If you get involved with a person who is a selfish, dishonest, oblivious jerk, it really won't matter how well you communicate. There will be problems. If you get involved with a person who is caring, honest, good-natured, unselfish, etc etc...then the difference will be dramatic.
(Note: of course, folks can often find themselves attracted to what they know are "the wrong types." Why does that happen? Another topic we plan to dig more into.)
Some Problems, You Can't Solve
Some problems in relationships can't really be "solved" . . . but they can be prevented. So preventing problems from coming up in the first place is one of he most important things you can do...
Having the right expectations: Understanding that Relationships Aren't "IT."
and finally, if you have the inclination to, talk to us. Let us know what we've missed, or what you think we need to dig into more deeply. We're interested in really figuring this all out ourselves, and we know there's plenty more to learn.
We came across the below, which we thought might be interesting for those folks who are open to what could be described as the "spiritual" side of things:
""To unite your physical existences and your material interests,
to associate yourselves so as to face together the difficulties and successes,
the defeats and victories of life - this is the very basis of marriage -
but you know already that it does not suffice.
To be united in feelings,
to have the same tastes and same aesthetic pleasures,
to vibrate together in a common response to the same things,
one by the other and one for the other
- it is good, it is necessary
- but it is not enough.
To be one in profound sentiments,
your affection, your feelings of tenderness for each other
not varying in spite of all the shocks of existence;
withstanding weariness, nervous irritations and disappointments,
to be always and in every case happy, most happy to be together;
to find, under all circumstances, one in the presence of the other, rest, peace and joy
- it is good, it is very good, it is indispensable
- but it is not enough.
To unite your mentalities,
your thoughts harmonizing and becoming complementary to each other,
your intellectual preoccupations and discoveries shared between you;
in a word, to make your spheres of mental activity identical
through a broadening and an enrichment acquired by the two at the same time
- it is good, it is absolutely necessary
- but it is not enough.
Beyond it all, at the bottom, at the centre, at the summit of the being,
there is the Supreme Truth of the being, an Eternal Light,
independent of all circumstances
of birth, of country, of environment, of education;
the origin, cause and master of our spiritual development
- it is That that gives a definite orientation to our existence;
it is That that decides our destiny;
it is in the consciousness of this that you should unite.
To be one in aspiration and ascension,
to advance with the same step on the spiritual path
- such is the secret of a durable union."
- Sri Aurobindo